This New Feeling - Guilt
It had been 6 months since I last came, and I casually walked up to the building as I normally would. A lady who looked to have been in her early 40's was slowly coming out of the building. She was walking with the assistance of a cane and was leaning on the automatic door as it opened outward. She was heading towards the steps as I arrived at the door, which was still wide open, so I walked through. I knew exactly what office she had come from within the building, as I was going there myself.
When I walked into the office, there were a few people sitting in the lobby. Some were at the front desk talking to different staff members, some were sitting with forms on clipboards waiting for their name to be called. They are a variety of ages and a couple had canes resting on the seat next to them. We all have the same disease although it looks different on each person.
At the beginning of every appointment here, they do some basic measurements. They check your weight, blood pressure and temperature like most medical offices. Unlike a regular doctor's office, they also check how easily and quickly you can walk down a hallway and have you do a basic sight test. I have no difficulty completing these mobility and sight tests. To a stranger watching, they might think I'm a normal, disease-free woman but they would be wrong.
I know this. I know that I don't control the symptoms that I experience from this disease called multiple sclerosis. However, every time I see someone in that clinic who has mobility issues this small feeling of guilt starts creeping in. I've never felt this kind of guilt. I've felt guilt when I did or said the wrong thing, but this is different. It was the strongest last week when I was there for my 6 month check up, but it has continued through this week too.
Tonight, the night before my first Walk MS event, I am experiencing a weird mix of feelings. I am feeling thankful, and yet guilty, that I am in such good health. I am excited to participate in the event tomorrow and anxious of the unknown at the same time. It is now more than ever that I am so glad several of my friends have chosen to participate with me, and I know that even more would be coming had their schedules allowed. To those who participated in this event by donating to the cause or buying our tshirts, thank you, thank you, thank you! Please continue to keep those with multiple sclerosis in your hearts and minds, and help continue the work towards finding a cure.
When I walked into the office, there were a few people sitting in the lobby. Some were at the front desk talking to different staff members, some were sitting with forms on clipboards waiting for their name to be called. They are a variety of ages and a couple had canes resting on the seat next to them. We all have the same disease although it looks different on each person.
At the beginning of every appointment here, they do some basic measurements. They check your weight, blood pressure and temperature like most medical offices. Unlike a regular doctor's office, they also check how easily and quickly you can walk down a hallway and have you do a basic sight test. I have no difficulty completing these mobility and sight tests. To a stranger watching, they might think I'm a normal, disease-free woman but they would be wrong.
I know this. I know that I don't control the symptoms that I experience from this disease called multiple sclerosis. However, every time I see someone in that clinic who has mobility issues this small feeling of guilt starts creeping in. I've never felt this kind of guilt. I've felt guilt when I did or said the wrong thing, but this is different. It was the strongest last week when I was there for my 6 month check up, but it has continued through this week too.
Tonight, the night before my first Walk MS event, I am experiencing a weird mix of feelings. I am feeling thankful, and yet guilty, that I am in such good health. I am excited to participate in the event tomorrow and anxious of the unknown at the same time. It is now more than ever that I am so glad several of my friends have chosen to participate with me, and I know that even more would be coming had their schedules allowed. To those who participated in this event by donating to the cause or buying our tshirts, thank you, thank you, thank you! Please continue to keep those with multiple sclerosis in your hearts and minds, and help continue the work towards finding a cure.
Comments
Post a Comment