Thoughts About Online Dating
This isn't something that I talk much about publicly... probably because in some ways I still feel like it is really personal and that a lot of my friends may misunderstand. It started with a recent conversation with a co-worker who has also been single for a while... she is a little older than me and listens to my dating stories with sympathy and understanding, which I find helpful. (sometimes I just need a sounding board for these things) I thought I would share a few of my thoughts from that conversation in hopes that some can relate and others can better understand the struggle.
About 4 months ago I signed up, once again, for a major online dating site. This is not the first time I've used an online dating site, and definitely not the first time I've used this one in particular. I like to say that I have a love/hate relationship with online dating sites or apps. I really don't like some of the effects they have on my psyche and in theory I'd much rather meet someone in person instead of judging them from 3 photos and a written paragraph. On the flip side, I don't frequent bars or clubs and there aren't any eligible bachelors at my church (that I know of), so how am I supposed to meet guys? Let's be honest - I probably don't have much in common with the guys that do hang out at bars or clubs and there is no guarantee that I'd click with a guy from church either. So here I am.
The site I'm currently using is one that is more known for finding serious relationships and not for quick hookups, although I have tried multiple types of sites. All of the sites I've experimented with have certain things in common. The quiet judgement of others profiles is a given - from both sides of the potential relationship. Each party only has photos and a short written profile from which we singles have to make quick decisions. Should I contact that person? Or respond to his message? There is an unspoken understanding that if someone looks at your profile and doesn't respond to your message, they have rejected you as a potential mate. You will probably never know why this rejection has occurred but the effects are still very real.
I've never considered myself as someone with low self esteem. I have some insecurities about my body, and other things, but they seem at the normal levels for a woman. I've rarely thought that I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship with a man. And yet, I find myself questioning every interaction as if I could have changed the outcome. In my head, I ask myself, "Why this time? Does he think I sound too independent? Is he intimidated because I messaged him first? Does he think I'm not skinny enough? Was it the photo of my cats? Are my photos too casual?" Before you get too worried, these thoughts don't typically last very long but it sometimes bothers me that I have them at all.
A couple days ago, I had a moment of clarity. I like to be in control. This is not that surprising - I've known this about myself for a long time and if you are one of my friends, you probably know this about me too. However, I tend to forget how much I like to be in control. A perfect example of my love for being in control is driving a car. In most cases, I strongly prefer to be the one to drive and my close friends know this. With this example, of course, comes a strong metaphor about me generally not liking the role of passenger. What I realized the other day, is that I am trying to control too much of this relationship thing. I'm limiting the possibilities by my thinking and also by my literal search parameters. IF a relationship is going to happen for me, it will not be by my own hands forcing it. Therefore, I am trying to broaden my mind and my search terms and be more patient.
Like I said before, I post these thoughts not with the intention to receive pity but to share a part of my single life. If you have gone through this struggle yourself and have any tips or advice for dealing with it, please message or email me. Thanks for reading!
About 4 months ago I signed up, once again, for a major online dating site. This is not the first time I've used an online dating site, and definitely not the first time I've used this one in particular. I like to say that I have a love/hate relationship with online dating sites or apps. I really don't like some of the effects they have on my psyche and in theory I'd much rather meet someone in person instead of judging them from 3 photos and a written paragraph. On the flip side, I don't frequent bars or clubs and there aren't any eligible bachelors at my church (that I know of), so how am I supposed to meet guys? Let's be honest - I probably don't have much in common with the guys that do hang out at bars or clubs and there is no guarantee that I'd click with a guy from church either. So here I am.
The site I'm currently using is one that is more known for finding serious relationships and not for quick hookups, although I have tried multiple types of sites. All of the sites I've experimented with have certain things in common. The quiet judgement of others profiles is a given - from both sides of the potential relationship. Each party only has photos and a short written profile from which we singles have to make quick decisions. Should I contact that person? Or respond to his message? There is an unspoken understanding that if someone looks at your profile and doesn't respond to your message, they have rejected you as a potential mate. You will probably never know why this rejection has occurred but the effects are still very real.
I've never considered myself as someone with low self esteem. I have some insecurities about my body, and other things, but they seem at the normal levels for a woman. I've rarely thought that I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship with a man. And yet, I find myself questioning every interaction as if I could have changed the outcome. In my head, I ask myself, "Why this time? Does he think I sound too independent? Is he intimidated because I messaged him first? Does he think I'm not skinny enough? Was it the photo of my cats? Are my photos too casual?" Before you get too worried, these thoughts don't typically last very long but it sometimes bothers me that I have them at all.
A couple days ago, I had a moment of clarity. I like to be in control. This is not that surprising - I've known this about myself for a long time and if you are one of my friends, you probably know this about me too. However, I tend to forget how much I like to be in control. A perfect example of my love for being in control is driving a car. In most cases, I strongly prefer to be the one to drive and my close friends know this. With this example, of course, comes a strong metaphor about me generally not liking the role of passenger. What I realized the other day, is that I am trying to control too much of this relationship thing. I'm limiting the possibilities by my thinking and also by my literal search parameters. IF a relationship is going to happen for me, it will not be by my own hands forcing it. Therefore, I am trying to broaden my mind and my search terms and be more patient.
Like I said before, I post these thoughts not with the intention to receive pity but to share a part of my single life. If you have gone through this struggle yourself and have any tips or advice for dealing with it, please message or email me. Thanks for reading!
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