My Road to Acceptance after Diagnosis

I have never before experienced the different emotional and mental stages of grief in the same way that I did after receiving my diagnosis. Now a few months later, I look back and can definitely see a progression of times where I was feeling distinctly different things in relation to the heavy news I had received. If you search Google, you'll find a common list of 5 stages of loss or grief. For me these stages looked slightly different, and thankfully didn't last as long overall as they could have. 

Shock - After first receiving the official word from the neurologist that I had multiple sclerosis, I was numb. Especially those first few days. Along with that numbness was a feeling of going through the motions while researching treatments, telling the necessary people (other health providers, my managers at work), and other things. The emotional side of my grief would come in waves that first week, I couldn't always predict what little thing would trigger my tears. 

Denial - Once about the first week had passed, my need for once again having a sense of control in my life grew. I'm a very independent person and finding out that I have a disease which could significantly change how much control I have over my own life was really scary for me. During this stage I joined a new online dating app and began messaging with guys that I knew were not long term relationship material. Some of them I never would have considered talking to under normal circumstances. Talking to them made me feel like I had control over something and it provided a way for me to pretend nothing was wrong. These were strangers that knew nothing about what was really going on in my life. 

Bargaining - There were several times that thoughts like "what if I had gone to the doctor sooner?" and "what if I had taken better care of my physical health earlier?" crossed my mind. I knew that a cause for M.S. hadn't been found yet, but I still wondered if these things could have made a difference.  

Depression - Thankfully this stage didn't last very long at all for me, but I did worry about how this disease would effect practical areas of my life. Being single I don't have a 'built in' caretaker if my body prohibits me taking care of myself at any given time. I have great friends who have already told me that they'll take care of me if it comes to that, but it could potentially be a big responsibility and it is something I have worried about. What if I have issues and can't drive myself somewhere at the drop of a hat, like I can now? What if I'm eventually restricted to a wheelchair? Hopefully my disease won't progress that far, but we just don't know for sure what it will do. At one point I was also feeling overwhelmed by all the possible treatment plans presented to me, and I ended up setting them all aside and ignoring them for a while. It all just felt like too much. 

Acceptance - I'm pretty confident that I've reached this stage... partly because I feel at peace with this new normal and partly because I've chosen to accept it. M.S. is part of my life, but it hasn't changed who I am as a person... and I won't let it. I believe that a lot of life is how you choose to confront it. This was a core belief for me before my body started acting wacky, and it still is and will continue to be. There are many people in the world (and I've known a few personally) who allow a diagnosis to take over who they are and it cripples them in many ways. They become the diagnosis and it stops them from living life... they become depressed, isolated, and lonely to a point where they can't function in the real world anymore. If I can give any advice to others from my experience so far, it would be to always hold onto who you are and what you value - no matter what kind of diagnosis may come.